Courage

I woke up today with a renewed awareness of my own shortcomings. My inferiority complex came back to me and I was having a hard time pushing it away. Wherever I looked, there was always someone better, more beautiful, more charismatic, more talented....and I felt like I had nothing of worth compared to talented, beautiful, charismatic people like that.

Why again am I here? Those were the things my complex made me tell myself. "Stop dreaming too big, you'll never get there." "Look at that, that's what you can never be." "Compare yourself to that and you'll lose completely!" "It's impossible! Just give up now." "Just accept that you can't be like that. Accept your own limits!"

I was drowning in just a matter of minutes. I could feel all the confidence and dreams I worked so hard on slipping away just because I can't believe in myself strongly enough. Depression was knocking at my door and it was picking the lock to get in.

There I sat, cowering in my corner, waiting for my worst enemy to come and take me away. I felt helpless again. So I prayed. I surrendered my fears and my hurt to the Lord and asked Him what I should do.

I couldn't hear an answer for a while, my thoughts were still knocking too loud. But soon I heard a whisper and I knew it was Him. I prayed again and Listened. This time, I got my answer.

2 Chronicles 32:7-8
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only the army of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles." And the people gained confidence from what Hezekiah the king of Judah said."

Is my Lord amazing or what?

I praise Him with all my heart.

On this day, the last day of the year 2010, I was given a glimpse of who I was before and who I am now. When I walked without Him, I brought myself down and surrendered to my fears. But now that He walks with me, my fears become pebbles in the sand. He is with me, and so I will fear no path He leads me to. Now I'm going to look to my future with courage!

Romans 1:17
"And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you."

My Lord proves to me again the depth of His love and greatness. It doesn't matter how high I can reach or how far I can go. He will do everything in accordance to His plan and to be a part of it is an honor in and of itself.

Praise be to God and may all of you have a very happy New Beginning!

New Ventures for The New Year

THE NEW YEAR IS COMING!!!

Ah, and with the new year comes my new resolutions. I'm gonna try more things/activities to better myself as a person and as an artist.

It might not be obvious, but I am indeed a singer. (Insert gasp here) I've been singing even before I could remember but it's always been just a hobby until I turned 18 and suddenly things were getting serious around me. So I went under formal training up until now, and many people who've known me from the past can attest that I have improved A GREAT DEAL compared to how I was before.

Ahhh but I still lack a certain something....

Sadly, I get tired easily. Huhu I admit it! (Insert boo's here) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I know it's bad for my art and a lot of times I get disappointed with the outcome because of it.

So I'm going to have to put an end to that! Starting yesterday, I got to work on my stamina. While I jog, I sing Climate Change songs!

Now for those who don't know Climate Change: this is the band of talented Christian Youth for whom I am the lead singer. I became their lead singer, I think around the middle of last year, and we've been preparing for an album for the past few months. It's coming out soon too!(Insert claps here) If ever you have heard any of the teasers of the songs in the album, or if you've heard us perform our songs live, then you already know that the songs (though wickedly cool) take a lot of stamina to get juuuuust right! U-tyub, and Iwagayway Mo, Nana, plus I Love You Isang Linggo! Oh, those songs really need HIGH levels of energy.

I don't want to let the band or the Climate Change fans down when I get on stage and sing only half of how well we sang it in the CD. I want to really let the listeners appreciate the artistry and the positive message of our songs! They deserve it for supporting us and what we stand for.

Thus, it is important that I work even HARDER now to be BETTER, BETTER, BETTER! I've been jogging around 3 KM/hour. I don't know how effective it'll be but I really hope it would at least help. The sad part is that I'm not sure if I'll be able to maintain it everyday, seeing as I still have school and work to concentrate on. BUT! I will try very hard to make it a habit.

Another thing I'm trying? Twitter.

I KNOW~ Twitter? It's so strange. I don't even know why I said yes, but my moderator, K, convinced me to make one. It wouldn't hurt to try something new, right? Although I'm not very good with techie things, he told me he'd teach me the twitter ways. I'm not sure how this'll turn out but at least I get to see frequent updates from my friends and other artists I am a fan of. :P If I get suuuper bored, I'll probably just delete that account.....or deactivate it, whatever it is that people do to it. Haha!

Huuuur! So many things to do in preparation for a new year and a new chapter in our lives! I'm so nervous as to what will happen next year. New trials to face, new people to meet!

New foods to eat?

HAHAHAHA!

-.- Blame the jogging for the new food craving.

2 Cor. 5:17-19 "Therefore, If any man be in Christ Jesus He is a new creature. Old things have passed away and behold, He becomes New."

Christmas Day

We spent Christmas day with family~! We had a lot of fun since it's been a long time since we had gotten together AND seen a heckovalot of food.

While we were in the States, I bought these fake colored hair clips just so I could horse around with it. Whenever I go to family events, I try to experiment with my look since...well, I always want to experiment and I feel more comfortable when I do that with family.

So what do you think?

Haha! My tita liked it~

Unfortunately I wasn't able to show in this picture the beautiful Owl earrings my Kuya bought for me as a present. It came with a ring too! :) I wonder if I can wear it everyday?

I hope everybody had a great Christmas with their loved ones~! <3

Conversation With Him

It is really a marvelous feeling when you know that the Holy Spirit is talking to you directly.

In my youth, I've always known that I was a Christian. When people asked me what religion I was, I'd say I'm Christian. But I never really got into what it really means to be one.

Up until last year, I've always been driving my life. My problems are mine to fix and when I can't fix them anymore, that's when I turn to prayers. It seemed that the only reason I was a Christian was to get things done easy in my life.

But a lot of things changed after my 18th birthday. The Lord deemed it time to awaken me. Awakened, I was. He subjected me to the Fire. It was excruciating, almost devouring me from within. But despite that Fire, He sent me a Mold. That mold caught me when I felt like I was melting out of shape. It contoured me into something akin to what I was before, but more refined...somehow more of what I was supposed to be from the start.

In that time of molding, I learned one important lesson.

Listen.

Not hear, because hearing is only sensing it. But, Listen: as in taking what you hear and understanding it so that it will influence your thoughts and decisions. You can't have a conversation when you're the only one speaking. He's willing to listen, but are you?

Isaiah 1:18
"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."

In the span of a few months, He taught me to Listen. Through my friend, N, and J, and especially my beloved guide G, He reached out to me. He told me to do the following:

1. Calm down.

"I understand that your life is feeling out of control right now. But you have to calm down; stay still because the more you struggle, the more you sink."

2. Be Quiet.

"Take the time to think, to feel, and to respond. You don't have to defend yourself against every single hit. I'll do that for you."

3. Trust Me.

"When I say you can do it, TRUST ME. Because I made you and I should know what you can and cannot do. I know you're afraid, and I know you've been hurt, but believe that I will carry you across the sand to a place where I'm sure you will be filled with true happiness."

It wasn't easy, I tell you. But I tried.

Some people may already be tired of hearing me say this because I have said it many times before. But it's true. The Bible changed my life. When I read it with understanding, I found myself Listening to His words, telling me exactly the things I needed to hear. For some freaky coincidence (or should I even call it that?) whatever troubled me deeply at that time would be expressed and answered in the verse I was reading. It's like He said, "I understand that this is your problem, I understand you feel like this and that. So this is how my children do it, give it a try."

I was slowly able to patch things up with the people I've been resenting under His and The Bible's guidance. Even myself.

I've also said it many times before, I've always had a problem with my self-confidence. I never knew where to draw the line between humble and putting myself down; or confident and being egoistic. I was so afraid to be confident and to appear mayabang (arrogant) that instead, I tried to be "humble" by always giving myself pity parties and telling myself to focus on what I lack and what I can never be.

How twisted was I then? Pretty twisted, I'd say.

God knew that long-standing problem of mine. So He gave me the story of John the Baptist. He was a man who baptized people in preparation for the coming of His Holy Son, Jesus Christ. He was so righteous that people began to praise him and regard him as one of the highest as well. You'd think he'd get full of himself and start thinking, "Hey, pwede." (It's possible) but no, he instead told them that he was just a servant. He humbly declared that he was a son of the earth and that he was not even worthy of the One from Heaven.

John 3:31 “He that cometh from above is above all: he that is of the earth is earthly, and SPEAKETH OF THE EARTH: he that cometh from heaven is above all.”

Through John's example, I realized what TRUE humility was. I wanted to be like him: to serve the Lord with fervor and a humble heart. He knew where he stood and what his limitations were. He accepted that there was someone far greater and more worthy of the praises. Learning that lesson changed my outlook completely of who I was in this world, and why I do what I do.

I humbled myself. I calmed down. I became quiet. Then I trusted Him.

Each day of reading the bible was like waiting for the cement to dry before I put on top yet another floor: It felt like nothing was happening. But deep inside, something was becoming stronger and stronger until the time came that I was able to carry a new load. One that I never thought I could be able to carry before.

Well, the journey had been long and hard. But in all those times, I walked with Him in the sand of life. My footprints, though wavering, were following His straight ones. There were times I'd see only one pair of prints, and then I'd realize that He had put his arms behind my knees and my back. He had carried me past that part where the waves washed too close and threatened to wet my feet.

How wonderful is it that our bond now is so strong that even without the Bible, I can hear Him speaking?! He speaks so loudly, and yet so meekly. His words are not words at all, yet when it is from Him, I KNOW deep in my heart.

The best part? I'm not the only one! He has blessed me with wonderful people in my life. People whom He speaks to as well. N and J are people from my age, they also have an extremely strong bond with Him. He talks to us on a daily basis and in most, if not all our decisions, He has a say. Perhaps that's why we have all been so blessed. Siksik, liglig, umaapaw. FULL and OVERFLOWING blessings far beyond our beginnings.

I am so happy to be able to speak to Him so freely, and so closely. He proves to be the oasis to any sand dune I may be in. His presence is so powerful that He has become practically tangible!
I really wish I could share this joy with others. It adds to my happiness when I see other people who are also experiencing the joy I feel.

It'll be Christmas tomorrow. This is the day we commemorate the true extent of God's sacrifice. He gave us His son. I pray that everyone will be able to feel the joy I feel, wherever they may be or whatever situation they may be in.

God is knocking on the doors of our hearts. Let Him in and give Him the keys! He'll take extra good care of you if you trust. Trusting Him doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen. It means that no matter what happens, He will make sure you make it to the end better than you could ever be on your own.

Everything will be better in the end. If it's not yet better, then it's definitely not the end. :) Job was a devoted believer and even he was not spared from pain. But nevertheless, he kept his faith and trust in the Lord. After he was tested, the Lord gave back what He had taken. Job's faith had leveled up! He was stronger than before by tenfolds!

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Let Him in today.

Give Him the keys.

Sit down and have a good, heart felt, honest conversation with Him.

...and watch as He changes your life for the better.

Merry Merry Christmas to every single one of you! May God bless you and walk with you in your life~!

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness...and Beauty

Today is the victory of a long-standing enemy of mine. CLEANLINESS.

Yes, indeed, I finally waved the white flag.

When I was young, I thought like a child. To be cared for, and to be followed by an adult wherever I go. But now that I am older, should I still choose to be a child? I should start taking responsibility for the things that I have, and the things under my name.

As the bible, the church, and my mother persistently told me, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness". Argh! But cleaning is such a boring duty! Or so I thought.

But my ambition to be a better person and a better Christian won over....after a decade of fighting back. Now I understand why cleanliness matters so much--not just because of personal hygiene. It also trains you to be physically fit in times you need it, it warms up your brain whenever you need to think of how to organize things and where to put what so that everything will be efficiently set, and it boosts your self-esteem. While I was cleaning my area, I felt beautiful. (Strange, no?)

I really pray that this new determination of mine to be clean and organized is not some "Ningas Cugon" thing. I want to keep this despite being so super lazy!

Speaking of feeling beautiful; it is so strange but lately I have been feeling quite beautiful! Err...I don't mean that in a vain kind of way. But in a spiritually confident manner. In the weeks before, I've been so riddled with my own problems that I hadn't noticed the frown marring my face. But now that I've been spiritually refreshed, (thanks to the book I was talking about in the previous blog post, and my handy-dandy Bible) I feel like everything has become lighter.

You know the song that goes, "You make me feel like a natural woman~"? All that's left is to play it as a background music to wherever I'm going. I feel feminine, like a beautiful woman. Unlike what I usually felt three years ago, when I dressed like a boy, hung my head low and made no attempt to clean myself up. Those were the days when I'd feel like I was a boy, and that I could never possibly ever become as beautiful as the pretty girls in school. I was fine with that. Note the word "was".

But you know, you have to be true to yourself! If you like wearing pretty dresses, then wear them! If you feel good with wearing bright pink everyday, then why not? Being happy with how you look is important with being happy in general! But you also have to question yourself: is wearing make up REALLY going to make me happy? Or am I just trying to hide a flaw that I don't want anyone else to see?

I am not against wearing make up. I wear it too whenever I have to. But it is true that some times make up becomes a means of covering up insecurities. What you don't notice is that sooner or later that very make up you keep wearing becomes a mask that cripples you from accepting who you are for what you are. This insecurity clutters up your mind, and your heart. Preventing you from coming out of that darned shell.

I personally believe that wearing make up too often results in the fast aging of your skin. I can proudly say that in my youth, I didn't even know how to put on blush. Eyeliners were atrocities and face powder was a bother! I sweat a lot, and there were many times I looked like crap, but in the end, it served me fairly well.

Now, after puberty, my complexion is quite young for my age. As is with my other friends who were all adamant that make up was for girly girls. Hahaha!

Some mothers ask me for advice they can tell their daughters about how to take care of their skins, and what beauty regimen should they follow. I tell them to be simple and healthy (Meaning Clean their bodies!) Eat the right, natural foods from the earth and wash whenever you feel dirty. Keep it simple: don't put too much on because they aren't usually needed. If you still have problems with your skin, consult a dermatologist. Because they know what they're talking about. Another important thing (which I unfortunately find hard to follow) is to drink UBER plenty glasses of water. It cleans your blood, drains your waste, and hydrates your cells.

1 Peter 3:3-4
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

Beautiful is not a standard shown in the magazines. It's not white skin, or perfect round eyes, long lashes or a small waistline. Beautiful is the reflection of a person's inner well-being.

Thus the reason for my feeling beautiful for the past few days. Being surrounded by His Holy Spirit really cleans up the clutters in my heart and mind. I encourage others to try it too. Immerse yourself in the love He offers and see how you turn heads when you walk around. There is an aura about a woman, despite physical appearances, that contributes greatly to how mesmerizing she becomes to other people.

Proverbs 31:30
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”

Give it a try. You might like what you find. ;)

What To Do Until Love Finds You

A few days ago, my mom bought me a Christmas present which came in the form of a book. Immediately, I knew the thought of what it was.

"Tungkol sa love love yan no?" (That's about love, isn't it?) I asked loudly, suspecting it already.

She just laughed and said that it hadn't been wrapped yet. But I was curious so I told her she didn't need to wrap it and that I wanted to read it then and there. Besides, I never really appreciated the task of wrapping a present. (You wrap it with care, only for the person you're giving it to to rip it off. Doesn't make sense to me. :P)

It was entitled "What To Do Until Love Finds You" by Michelle McKinney Hammond.

Now, some people may think of me as...well...different people have different interpretations of my personality. But nevertheless it is indeed a fact that in my whole 19 years of living, I have never had a boyfriend. (Insert gasp here) Some people get shocked by this statement. Some people think I'm only saying it so that my parents wouldn't know about my "secret love affair". Haha! But it is undoubtedly sure that I have never had a special relationship with anyone. As to why, well maybe I'll open up about it on another day.

For now, let's talk about the book!

So she gave me this book, I'm assuming, because she wanted to help me find guidance to my suddenly resounding "heart" questions. In my long-kept preservation of such a special love, it has come to a point where some doubts are becoming heard and perhaps threatening my determination. Fears like, "What if I keep waiting for Mr. The-One-God-made-for-me and in the end he doesn't come? What if he already passed me by and I didn't recognize him?" and the worst thought of all was, "What if there is no Mr. The-one-God-made-for-me?" These things have become ponderous queries as of late. Without realizing it, I'd become worried.

I was, at first, reluctant to read it. But curiosity got the better of me and I opened the darned book! The way she wrote was interesting, like she was just writing a letter to a friend, or perhaps a junior in school. Soon, I found myself regarding this author as a friend who is far too chit-chatty, but at the same time, charming and kind. I was slowly devouring every page.

The first few chapters, about realizing the depth of the Love of the Lord and knowing your worth: I knew those things already. Thank God for having shown me my worth through His love in the past year. It was all about the importance of treasuring yourself as a WOMAN OF THE LORD, and setting your standards to nothing lower than what God deems worthy of you.

I myself have had my standards questioned many times, by both men and women. Some people think it's too high, or too strict. Because of that, I was "of course going to" have difficulty finding a boyfriend. I faintly recall someone telling me something along the lines of:

"I know you want a perfect relationship but I can't give that to you."

To which I felt indignant and hurt. It was like telling me to lower my standards 'coz no one could possibly EVER reach it. Was I asking for the impossible? Was I asking for too much? But my parents said no. You had to have standards.

If you had a beautiful diamond ring (or anything you'd consider your most IMPORTANT and most PRIZED possession) and someone came up to you saying, "I'll give you 5 centavos for that ring." would you give it to him for the five centavos? Of course you'd say, "Niloloko mo ba ako?" (Are you kidding me?) You don't even know what will happen to that ring if you give it to that person! What if he loses it? Or scratches it? Or worse yet, what if he treats it like it's made of glass?

To your parents, your friends, and to God, YOU ARE THAT DIAMOND RING (A.K.A. Most important and prized possession). They can see how much you are worth and that is why they don't want to give you away to a person who thinks you're only worth 5 centavos. So don't resent them for telling you to have standards. Most importantly, don't resent yourself for not bending to the ways of the world.

1 John 2:15-17 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust thereof: but he that does the will of God abides forever.

I admit, it was hard to accept that. Even if I feel that I could have had a good relationship with that person, if he doesn't understand what I'm worth, how long will that 'good relationship' last? I was very tempted and almost gave in to accepting just ANYONE who would take me. But the Lord would have none of that! He told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the love that I deserve and that if I wait long enough, I'll be able to see the wonderful man He handmade especially for me.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man that endures temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to them that love Him.

I also agree with most, if not all, the writings within this empowering book. Michelle presses, and I agree, that having a relationship (whether lovers or marriage) is not only about the two individuals within it. It's about how you affect the people and happenings around you, and what kind of message you are getting across with your relationship.

If a child sees his mother yelling at his father while the daddy threatens to inflict physical pain or leave mommy, the child will learn this kind of 'love', and the cycle will continue. Does this kind of turn out glorify His Holy name?

Some people may notice, I write "May the Glory be to God" in a lot of my public statements. This is a motto I do my best to live by. It means that any glory I may gain, I give back to the Lord. But that is only part of it. How you gain it and why you gain it, are also crucial components of your offering.

Living a truly Christian life is no walk in the plaza, as I'm sure some of you may already know. It's EXTREMELY HARD to be pure in THOUGHTS, WORDS, AND DEEDS when the world around you just tries so hard to tear you and your faith apart! But (as it has been said time and time again in church) none of the things you have are actually yours. In truth, EVERYTHING (even your very breath) is borrowed from the Lord. So if you love Him, how do you repay His love? Definitely not with money.

What does the Lord ask of you in return for that never-ending, unrelenting, above-everything-else stubborn love? That you let Him rest in your heart for as long as you live. Simple, no? If you declare yourself a lover of the Lord, a Christian, and a believer, then it comes with the package that everything you do REFLECTS upon your Master and Savior.

...and I mean EVERYTHING. Including your choice of words, your choice of deeds, and your choice of who you give your heart to.

So, I'm not sure if you know my reason for not having a boyfriend yet, but I'm guessing you already know what I'm mostly about. Besides, I'm not aiming to have a boyfriend. A boyfriend is like milk: it has an expiration date. I'm aiming to have a life-partner, a husband. As the name implies, we'll be together for life! Isn't that so much better? I think so~

As of yet, I haven't finished the book. I'm still half way to the end but I just felt like I had to write out some of my provoked thoughts while I'm reading. It's refreshing to know that someone of the world far beyond your own, encourages you to stay firm in reserving your love for that one person who fully deserves it.

"So where's your Mr. Right then?" some may ask.

"He's getting ready to love me completely, of course!" would be my mayabang (arrogant) answer. He's not here yet because we're both not yet ready to live our lives with each other. We still have some kinks getting worked out, we're still being molded to fit each other perfectly. I, myself, understand that I have some flaws that may lead to breaking someone if I let it pass. I don't want that.

Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

I want to be his encourager, his defendant; his best friend, and his most efficient assistant. I want to help build him up and be a part of what makes him a man worthy of God's love. I hope to become the helper fit for that man so that he will be one of the great instruments for the Lord's will. How amazing would that be? BEST. WORK. EVER.

So to the person God made for me, if ever you get to read this: know that you are blessed by the Lord Himself! Because I am preparing myself for your arrival into my life, and once you're here, I will be your most loyal friend, lover, and wife. I will do my best to make you proud of me and to treasure you like you are my diamond ring. :) Because I was made for you in every way (God approved).