Getting sadder by the day.

It's been a long time since I've felt so stupid. I don't miss the feeling but remembering how I cried the first time, I can't bring myself to cry again. Although I do recognize the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, desperation. Did I make another wrong choice in that God-forsaken place??? I think I did too. But I guess it should be time for me to finally fall, don't you?

If it's God's choice, so shall it be.

Ideally, I don't want to get things out of pity. But I don't want to fail either.

I'm trying very hard. I understand. But I'm not...good at doing it.

When times are hard like this, I contemplate my choices in life. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't take the easy road and just go to an easier place where no stress would overcome me so bad that my health would deplete. I should have gone with the crowd and just stayed where the majority stayed right? Putting it this way, my mind is protesting....

But I'm feeling sad, and maybe a little regretful. I chose the harder jobs instead of the easier jobs....Sometimes I regret it....But I know that my pride won't let me.

I guess I'm frustrated and tired. I just...get sad that I'm not good enough sometimes. Especially when I hear complaints or disappointments from others. I feel even more desperate, and more helpless....When they say I can't do it, I tense up and my mind is blank. I'm folding...I'm tired.... Three years....

But I shouldn't be like this at all. After all, it's been THREE YEARS of going steady! I shouldn't stop now. Even if it does feel endless, I'm almost there!!!

GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH, PATIENCE AND THE KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO PREVAIL.

If it is not in God's plans, then I will have to accept it that's all. He plans other things for my future.

GEEK~

I think I look better this way. Although I must admit, it's the look of the girl I hate the most in Ichigo 100%. But it suits me and I really look like her. O.O amazing. XD I'm amused by how I can change my identity by changing my hair or putting on glasses. People don't even recognize me. It's a lot of fun pretending I'm different people!

So far I've tried being a boy, being a nerd, being a kikay, being an anime' look-alike, being arabian, being indian, and no one's recognized me until I tell them. I wanna try more and more looks! This is getting so interesting. :D

Moment of Peace

I don't know how long it's been since I've had time for myself; not talking to anyone, not doing anything...just being at peace. Although I know that this moment of peace is short lived, I'm still very thankful for it. Even if sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I think that it was a mistake to distance myself from everyone. But I suppose my instincts were right.

Now that I've been having more time on my own, I've come to reflect on my past actions, my behavior, and also my way of thinking. I've realized that I'm still such a child and that I depend on people.

I want to be a better person who will be able to help myself and others. I want to be secure no matter what path I walk on. I want to be rid of the pain and anger I harbor in my heart.

I understand why God hasn't given me the things I'm not yet ready for. I'm thankful I have such a wise and caring Lord to protect me, guide, and love me all the days of my life. Although I know that more tests of my faith are to come, test of my character, tests of my temper; I will strive to remind myself that I must do what God would be happy with.

I have nothing to be discontent with for my Lord has given me all that I have needed and more. I'm very content with the friends that I have; truthful and trustworthy. They will help me through thick and thin and they teach me to be a better person. I'm thankful for the people who love me and find me worth the wait. I know that their hearts and intentions are pure and I'm very touched to have them. My careers are more than I need, God has blessed me with success with my work and school at the same time. I may not be the best at both but surviving is a feat in itself. The opportunities I've been presented with are astounding and I'd be foolish to let it pass.

Bu most of all, (so cheesy!) I am thankful for my family. My parents--though not perfect and each having their own set of flaws--have done their best to raise me well and to support me in everything I do. They teach me how to make good choices and how to pray, about perseverance and honest work. If they weren't my parents, I would probably not be where I am today. I understand their rules and I obey them not out of fear but out of trust. Not many can do so with their parents. My brothers who have loved me since our births: I would not ask for better brothers. Although I do blame them for my marital status right now, but it's still all for my own good. Haha! I learned to be tender and daring because of them. Seeing them work so hard for what they want touches me too. I witness two playful boys grow into intelligent, ambitious men and I'm filled with pride.

Family, Friends and Career, God has blessed me in all of those. So what if a little rain comes my way and soaks my parade? God has given me the umbrella, the raincoat, and the boots to match! I'm surrounded by comfort, strength and love and there's nothing else I could ask for.

This is a moment of peace.