I've been searching deep inside myself, deep into my past, asking myself one vital question that I felt would set me another level free from the raptures of my own psychological and emotional constraints. I've been bound and crippled by my own devices for so long. I've been drowning under the sea with heavy chains holding me down and with every key found, I am liberated and that much closer to the clear surface. I've been doing fine slowly, but suddenly as of late I felt I'd been set back a few leagues closer to where I had been before I saw the Light.
So I asked myself again: Why am I afraid of rejection?
Nobody wants to be rejected, I'm sure. But why is that so? When I study my trail of thoughts, this is what I find occurs.
Phase 1: Hope? I feel a deep joy in hope. I expect something wonderful to happen but at the same time there is a nagging fear at the back of my mind, telling me not to hope, not to be happy, and wait for something to go wrong. Because when I do expect something and when something does go wrong, I would become a pitiful fool for all to ridicule and belittle.
Phase 2: Rejection. Whenever I'm rejected, or dismissed, or spoken of unkindly (whether to my face or behind my back) there is great pain. There is a sense of disillusion and disappointment. When I linger in those things, the next phase begins nagging and clinging on to me.
Phase 3: Pity Party. I start throwing a big glamorous pity party for myself wherein the following events are involved in the program: Blame self (check) Feel betrayed (check) Reprimand self for hoping (check) Think lowly of self (check)Tell self to stop trying to change what is "fact" and "logical" (check) Tell self that this was bound to happen from the start (check) Feel like everything was a big fat waste of time and effort (CHECK) Feel worthless (SUPER CHECK)
Phase 4: Give up. This is the time that I lose completely to that pity party. This is the time that I lose. Period. Someone asked me before what the opposite of 'love' was. It wasn't 'hate', it was 'not feeling/caring'. When I give up, there is a feeling of emptiness inside of me and the feeling of being so hollow made me even more depressed, even more purposeless...even more aware of how 'worthless' I was. I was drowning and quickly losing air.
Phase 5: Never try again. Perhaps the worst part of the whole cycle. This is the most destructive phase of all. This is when I stopped swimming upstream.
I remember telling someone before something about trusting people. I said that, if you don't trust anyone, then you trust no one. If you don't trust one, you don't trust all. I think the same could be applied to me at this time. If I don't dive this one time--because of the fear of falling, or the fear of feeling the pain, or the fear of dying--then when will I ever dive to get to that place that I know will truly make me happy?
When I look back to those times I'd been hurt by the people I truly cared for, and recall how badly I wanted to just give up and leave...I praise God I didn't. Because if I had gone up and left, I wouldn't have been able to see this day: this bright, beautiful, shining day where those people and I are at peace with each other. I wouldn't have found the care we all thought was impossible to have survived all the things we'd gone through. If I hadn't stayed...I would have missed out on this great yet simple joy of being with them. If I had given up, I wouldn't have been able to have the opportunity to have this treasure in my grasp.
God helped me realize something tonight: Thinking negative will only bring negative outcomes. It's a safe choice, yes. But it's a safe negative. Whereas when you think positive, there is a 50/50 chance that it will actually be positive. Maybe even 70/30 if you truly believe in it with all your heart. So why let yourself drown in negativity just because your afraid of being rejected when you have the chance to be happy AND be accepted? Wouldn't taking a chance be better than just griping in your corner pretending you're okay? Wouldn't getting up from bruises be better than being comfortable playing dead?
Looking only at my 'micro-happiness', I tell myself that that's the only thing I can achieve. But when I do that, I'm closing my eyes to all the 'macro-happiness' happening all around me! I don't realize there's more to gain than to lose. When I focus on my little box, I don't see the other opportunities that I (unknowingly) CAN have and will make me even happier! I'm missing out on a lot~! o,o
A lot of billionaires all around write book after book about their lives, and what you'll find they had in common was that they were (at some point of their lives) pioneers of an idea, or movement, an innovation, or an invention... They DARED to move past whatever obstacles held them back. Because they knew they needed to, in order to succeed, to survive, and to ultimately find happiness.
So what if they didn't have money when they grew up? Or had a bad family? Or didn't have a family? They worked hard and tried everything they could to gain whatever they needed and didn't have, and used it well in order to invest on something that will blossom later into whatever had gotten them where they are at the moment. I know money isn't the measurement of a man. But it's not about the money they gained. It's about the triumph against the odds; against the world and themselves.
When I think about it, the only negative thinker who got famous (that I recall) was Vincent van Gogh (Dutch post-impressionist painter, Starry Night)
He was a depressing man. He said before, "My youth was gloomy and cold and sterile". If you read his life story, you'll find that he had always been a negative thinker, and made no effort to change that because his life kept turning for the worst, supposedly. He only got famous centuries after his death. But how he lived, and how he died? If that's the price of fame, I don't think it's worth it.
In fact, His brother said his last words were, "La tristesse durera toujours" (the sadness will last forever) the day he died from shooting himself in the chest.
What a life I would lead if I had always let myself give up; let myself give in to depression and negative thoughts, all due to the fear of rejection! Bad will be my residence. Everything will be bad, or worse. If I get lucky, it'll turn good, but only for a moment. Soon enough things will be back to bad and at the end of the day, I chose to be unhappy.
I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN!
I will not let myself become a captive of fear. For fear is not made by God, He who made all things beautiful, wonderful, and good. Fear is the enemy's means to control those who have the ability to do great things for the kingdom of God.
I refuse to be controlled by the enemy. I refuse to lose to him when I carry the name of the Lord Almighty in my heart. Starting today, I free myself from the chains that bind me: fooling me into thinking that failure will be the death of me, and that doing nothing is better because it's safe. I free myself from the fear of being rejected, or ridiculed, or misunderstood, or hurt! I free myself from the false sense of security giving up gives me.
God is my only security and He is my only hope. I will be like those people who win: those who try a hundred times even if they fail ninety-nine times. Because that one precious win is more than nothing at all, and I plan to offer it to Him.
Fear of rejection, I banish you in the Holy name of my Lord! I am now a positive, braver, Can-do-attitude lady and I will be happy! XD
