Getting sadder by the day.

It's been a long time since I've felt so stupid. I don't miss the feeling but remembering how I cried the first time, I can't bring myself to cry again. Although I do recognize the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, desperation. Did I make another wrong choice in that God-forsaken place??? I think I did too. But I guess it should be time for me to finally fall, don't you?

If it's God's choice, so shall it be.

Ideally, I don't want to get things out of pity. But I don't want to fail either.

I'm trying very hard. I understand. But I'm not...good at doing it.

When times are hard like this, I contemplate my choices in life. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't take the easy road and just go to an easier place where no stress would overcome me so bad that my health would deplete. I should have gone with the crowd and just stayed where the majority stayed right? Putting it this way, my mind is protesting....

But I'm feeling sad, and maybe a little regretful. I chose the harder jobs instead of the easier jobs....Sometimes I regret it....But I know that my pride won't let me.

I guess I'm frustrated and tired. I just...get sad that I'm not good enough sometimes. Especially when I hear complaints or disappointments from others. I feel even more desperate, and more helpless....When they say I can't do it, I tense up and my mind is blank. I'm folding...I'm tired.... Three years....

But I shouldn't be like this at all. After all, it's been THREE YEARS of going steady! I shouldn't stop now. Even if it does feel endless, I'm almost there!!!

GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH, PATIENCE AND THE KNOWLEDGE I NEED TO PREVAIL.

If it is not in God's plans, then I will have to accept it that's all. He plans other things for my future.